Selling Out... for the Sake of My Art

Confession: I’m a sellout.

There, I said it. I’m a sellout. I participated in a giveaway, I bought an ad, and I paid for my blog design.

But you know what? I’m okay with it. My conscience and I chatted, and we agreed on a compromise.

Participating in giveaways is okay IF: I respect the blogger hosting, and I give away something related to virginity/books/feminism/Christianity. Like a cherry pendant, specially designed for How to Lose Your Virginity.

Buying an ad is okay IF: The ad isn’t crazy expensive, and I respect the blogger hosting. This is actually the first time Jessica has had sponsors,* which I think is pretty cool. Her audience is big, but not overwhelming. She’s a military wife in Italy, and y’all know how I feel about living abroad. But the primary reason I decided to test the advertising waters with Jessica is because of how long she’s been blogging. She’s been doing it since before blogging was cool. As someone who still maintains her livejournal, after about nine years, I totally respect someone who is, essentially, a hipster blogger.

Edit 03/05/13: Okay, fine, I admit it. I bought a second ad yesterday, with Casey of We Took the Road Less Traveled. She has the same cool "I live in Europe, thus Belle is totes jealous" vibe to her blog (also a military wife, but in Germany). Her ads were on sale! I can't resist a bargain! Have y'all seen how many kindle books I buy each month?! Anyway. I'll be "sponsoring" her blog for two months because I'm cool like that.

Paying for my blog design is okay IF: I spend hours upon hours, days upon days, trying to find the answer to my CSS problem. Seriously, for the life of me, I could not figure out the CSS for my toolbar to extend across the entire width of my blog. That’s all I wanted. I was totally fine with my old design, that I had customized myself, but the damn toolbar only extended a few inches on either side of my Notre Dame photo. It looked so awkward. I couldn’t get it to extend to both ends, nor could I get it to stay the exact width of the photo. In desperation, I asked for help. The problem ended up being the template I was using, and the CSS solution was not simple. So Natalie offered to install this template for me, and I said yes. Change is good, right?

I don’t like the idea of paying for followers. I want genuine readers of my blog, not fake numbers. I believe in writing good content, in being myself, in taking risks.

But at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter that I’m a better writer than most of the bloggers I follow (sorry, but it’s the truth).** No one is going to read my work if people don’t know it exists. If I have to spend a little money to put my blog out there, then so be it. I did manage to gain a few genuine readers when I participated in the giveaway, and maybe I’ll gain a few genuine readers via Jessica’s blog.

Have you ever "sold out" for the sake of your art?

*I get that calling your paid advertisers "sponsors" is the cool blogger thing to do. I'm not totally on board with it. If I sponsor someone, I'm paying a charity money on behalf of that someone because that someone will also do something to raise awareness for the charity. That's sponsorship. Placing my button on your sidebar? That's an ad. Like I said, I'm only advertising with bloggers I respect. It's still just an ad.

**I get that blogging is about more than writing. It’s about community: sharing experiences, and crafting, and pretending life is perfect, and cooking, and viciously fighting over who has the best significant other/pets/children. But can y’all please learn the difference between your/you’re, and it’s/its, and they’re/their/there? It’s (it is) not that hard. And maybe less pictures, more writing? I’ve already stopped following the people who pretty much only post pictures all day long, and/or only host giveaways. YAWN. Also, when I say “better writer,” I don’t mean “better blogger.” Some people like all the pictures and giveaways. Nor do I mean “better person.” I just mean my writing is grammatically correct, and most of my posts are more than 150 words long.

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New Year, New Apartment, New Belle

Wow, it's 2013 already. When did that happen?

2012 was crazy. Just like 2011. And 2010.

In 2012, I lived in New York for the first two months, then Toronto for four months, home in the South for three weeks, and finally in the Midwest for five months, with a whole week of that being in my new apartment.

I went from being a live-in au pair to doing social media and assorted IT stuff for a start-up company. Yeah, I'm still confused about that too.

The boyfriend and I went from very long-distance (an airplane) to long-distance (a six-hour drive) to medium-distance (driving two hours!).

My twin brother was diagnosed with a brain tumor that miraculously went away with surgery.

My car died. I became an emotional wreck. The boyfriend gave me a car for Christmas. I finally figured out humility. 

Both my twitter followers and blog readers grew by leaps and bounds. I expanded my blog posts a little bit. I don't always talk about only virginity. I write about books, and feminism, and family, and sex, and politics, and fun stuff like that. 

I even GULP participated in a giveaway.* You know, one of those shameless promotions to gain followers who sometimes keep following you, but often unfollow you when the giveaway is over? You know, one of those fun things where you can be generous to other people?

Awesome giveaway hosted by Bonnie!

I even survived the Apocalypse!

I live a crazy life. It's how I roll. I'm pretty sure 2013 will be just as up and down as my previous years. Some changes I can anticipate. Others will be unexpected challenges.

For my readers, you'll notice a few changes. I'm not going to focus as much on only blogging about sex/virginity. I did expand some this past year, but I feel more comfortable now writing like a real blogger, and not just some funny academic essayist. Of course, this is partly because I will be writing a column for HI! Magazine. A funny academic essayist column on virginity. So... there's that.

As much as I will strive to keep up my 3-7 posts a month range I've got going on, I can't make any promises. See, another change I'm (hopefully) making is getting a second part-time job for a little extra spending money... plus health insurance. This will eat into my writing time. 

That, and my only New Year's resolution is to read Les Misérables. En français. Also, my non-resolution, just regular goal of reading 53 books this year. I read 51 last year, with a goal of 52. Reading is important.

Edit: I totally forgot to mention one of the biggest changes. I didn't just move into a new apartment--I moved into my first apartment without a roommate. Turning it into my own little home will also be totally time-consuming.

All that said, big changes are in store for Belle and Beau** in 2013. Who knows, we might even experience coitus for the first time.***

Whatever happens, I'll be here, blogging away. This is, after all...

Confessions of a Virgin. 

*When the boyfriend donated to How to Lose Your Virginity, our prize packages included two cherry pendants. I gave one away. I briefly reached 51 blog followers by participating--I'm down to 48 now. But. I'm following one young woman who followed me and gave me crazy-awesome compliments on my blog. Genna's super-cool.
**If you're new here, that's me and the boyfriend.
***Kidding. Mostly. 

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The Sexiest Virgins Alive

Twitterverse is obsessed with Mean Girls. The world stops whenever it's on television, and I'm pretty sure all women aged 18 to 25 spontaneously orgasmed when Mean Girls finally became available on Netflix.

Sorry, that was a gender generalization, which I normally try really hard not to make.

Via nicomillionaire.tumblr.com

But as much as I see anons tweeting quotations from Mean Girls, I rarely see much discussion about what we can learn from the movie.

The definition of sex has become rather broad and often confusing in today's American culture. Even this asshole our former president doesn't seem to get it.

So what is sex? What is virginity? Does a definition even matter?

Well, no.

But our society is obsessed with it, and as a self-proclaimed virgin who blogs about sex, virginity, and everything in-between, I'm not exactly helping de-emphasize the "importance" of the distinction.

But I AM provoking discussion and sparking debate and challenging preconceived notions of virgins.

Last Friday, I went to a sex shop for the first time ever (and then applied to work there). Naturally, I tweeted about the experience before blogging about it. The reaction was... mixed, to say the least.

Some friends thought this was a brilliant idea. Like me, they thought it would provide great inspiration for my blog.

Or like me, they thought sex toys were a positive thing for women to enjoy, either with or without a partner.

Some friends thought I should I admit my sexual experiences make me less than virginal.

And others questioned if I'm honestly a virgin at all.

I might not have enjoyed the entire discussion, and at one point, so many followers were jumping in that I could no longer keep up with my timeline. 

But. 

Not only was it eye-opening, but it proved that there is an ongoing need for my blog, with all my thoughts on sex and virginity.

There is still a prevailing attitude that virginity means the exact same thing for everyone.

If we can't agree on the definition of sex, then how can anyone expect us to agree on virginity? 

Which brings me back to my first point. 

Does it even matter?

Sexuality is incredibly personal. Yet, for whatever reason (I'm blaming patriarchy), sex is very much in the public eye. Between those trying to control sex and those trying to exploit sex, anyone trying to figure out their sexuality on their own has public pressure adding to their confusion.

To anyone in the gray zone between sex and virginity, to anyone like me, this is my advice.

It's your body, your experiences, you sexuality, your label.

I started this blog before I had ever owned a vibrator, or seen a man naked, or participated in skype sex. I guess you could say I was "more virginal" when I started this blog than I am today. 

The boyfriend and I have drawn our line at coitus, or PIV sex. We're saving that for marriage. Until then, we'll both refer to ourselves as virgins, because we can, but we also both know the label no longer matters.

At the end of the day, we're a young couple in love, and we're making choices about our relationship based on our own happiness, not anyone else's.

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Blogoversary: One Year of Anonymity

A year ago today, I composed my inaugural blog post, clad only in my favorite lingerie, with a fuzzy blanket wrapped around me. As I write my sixtieth post, I’m completely naked in bed, the same set of French lingerie somewhere on the floor from when the boyfriend removed it last night. I’m back in the same city where my blog was born, but instead of being a few weeks away from the end of my internship, I’m starting the next chapter of my life. Moving here is my last big move, until either the boyfriend & I get married (fingers crossed!) or until I move back to France to recover from my heartbreak (not bad for a contingency plan, right?).

It’s been a good year for Confessions of a Virgin.

I wrote a guest post for Therese at How to Lose Your Virginity… and then the boyfriend & I ended up doing an interview for her documentary.

I wrote an article under my own name at Curvy Girl Guide after having connected with Meredith on twitter as @belle_vierge.

I’ve made some blogger friends, like Lauren at Our Crazy Ever After and Ashley at Chickadette. I’ve made some twitter friends, like my #bookends, @MrsJGatsby and @theycallmeivy. I’ve even made some twitter/blog crossover friends, like @Classy_in_KC

I joined Twithouse, a twitter organization of ambitious co-ed and post-grad women.  Even after the recent scandal, I’m still proud to be a member, and I still love the other women in the group.

I’ve received comments, emails, and DMs from virgins who relate to my posts. I’ve received comments, emails, and DMs from non-virgins who have admitted my blog has changed their perspective on virgins and virginity.

My pseudo-anonymous identity has given me the freedom to be raw and honest. To admit I’m a sexual being, even if I’m not engaging in coitus. To share my thoughts on sex and virginity. To write without fear of judgment. To open up about my sexual assaults. To advocate for women’s rights.

Writing a (mostly) anonymous blog has resulted in some of the most personal writing I’ve ever done. It’s so much realer than any of my previous work.

And yet it has only been a half-truth, at best.

 

May 4, 2011, I sat in a train station in London with my best friend Mark,* as we waited for our train to take us back to Paris. At this point, he and I had already had many heart-to-hearts, not just in our few days together in Europe, but over the course of three years of best-friendship.

In that moment, for whatever reason, my last deep, dark secret spilled out.

Something I had kept buried since I was 17.

A secret I just pretended didn’t exist.

I guess after two years in France, during which I changed more than I did in eight years of high school and university, I couldn’t lie anymore. At least, not to Mark.

Over the past year, I’ve told my cousin/best friend Nick, my best friends Rose, Lauren, Hardy, James, Ali, Jane, Christa, Brittany, and Sarah. Annnnnnd I think that’s it. Oh, and Ron, the guy I sorta dated in France.*

That’s it.

Until now.

Because I’m tired of hiding. Telling half-truths. Worrying. Denying who I am.

I’m bisexual.

And my family will probably never know.

“I’m also a unicorn. Or maybe a bicorn … Anyway, I’m starting to believe in my own magic.” —Brittany, Glee 

I end up in tears at least once every time I go home. Somehow homosexuality or bisexuality or gay marriage or whatever comes up when I’m home. I’m from a highly-educated, very passionate, sorta southern family, and we enjoy discussing politics, literature, current events, religion, films, everything.

Too bad both my mother and kid brother have explicitly said they don’t believe bisexuality is real.

Too bad my father and kid brother have only recently come to terms with same-sex marriages being okay.

Too bad my home church denomination has recently reaffirmed its stance that marriage is between one man and one woman.

Too bad I can’t trust my twin brother with a secret to save my life. At least he’s totally accepting of all sexualities, to the best of my knowledge.

A few weeks ago, we were discussing my church’s recent statements, not just on marriage, but also on the Bible. My parents both kept interrupting me, and I raised my voice to be heard, and my mother told me not to yell. I stormed off to my room and promptly burst into tears.

I know they all think I overreacted.

I don’t give a fuck.

I have the good fortune of being in love with a man who is everything I ever wanted and more.

It doesn’t erase the doubt deep down that if I had brought home a woman, my family wouldn’t accept me anymore.

A well-timed confession via postsecret.com

So I’m anonymous. Mostly. I think about twenty of my friends IRL now know about my blog. Friends I trust knowing the most intimate details of my life. I’m sure these friends also know that if they ever out me to anyone from high school, or university, or basically anyone in the South, we will never speak again. But if I thought there was a chance of them doing that, I never would have sent them the link to my blog. I know all my secrets are safe with them.

It’s been a good year for Confessions of a Virgin. I’m looking forward to an even better second year, a more honest year.

Bisous.

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Guest Post at "How to Lose Your Virginity"

Confession: I have been holding out on y'all for awhile now. Therese over at "How to Lose Your Virginity" aka one of my favorite blogs, contacted me back in December to write a guest post for her.

I replied with the proper mix of decorum and enthusiasm, but y'all should have seen me bouncing off the walls when she asked. 

Because it's not just any old blog, but the blog to promote her documentary-in-progress by the same name. 

"How To Lose Your Virginity" Trailer from Trixie Films on Vimeo.

So you understand the sheer amount of squee that just had to ensue when she emailed me, right? It's like, the most suitable person ever to read (and like!) my blog.

After several emails back and forth with Therese, the theme of my guest post emerged. It discusses where I've drawn the line with sex, and why. Shockingly, it's even more personal, raw, and honest than anything I've written here. 

So please mosey on over to read "Two Become One: A Naked Look at Virginity."

And then leave a comment there (or here) with you thoughts, reactions, etc. Like how I'm a brilliant writer, and you want to give me a book deal.

Don't look at me like that. I can't help that I'm both brimming over with confidence and that I'm willing to work hard to make my dreams come true.

P.S. Remember when the boyfriend visited me a few weeks ago? Yeah, we also met up with Therese for an interview that weekend. Because we're ridiculously open about our non-sex sex life and totally comfortable discussing it on camera. Plus we're super-cute together. Like, borderline obnoxious.

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