Men Are Statistically More Likely to be Victims of Rape Than to be Falsely Accused of Rape

Confession: I regularly tweet at work. And not just because I manage all the social media for my company. I work for a start-up company, which means my job description includes the ability to “hurry up and wait.” In-between actual job tasks, I read the latest on Jezebel, stalk my new favorite blogs, and tweet about sexual assault.

Today, as I was getting ready to leave work, I tweeted two things. 

The response to the first was typical.

The response to the second is the most number of retweets and favorites I have ever received. By far.

Not surprisingly, I also received a small number of hostile replies to the suggestion that men shouldn’t be nearly as worried about being falsely accused of rape as they should about being victims of rape. Maybe because it’s easier to think women are more likely to lie than men are to be violent? I don’t know.

In light of the recent Steubenville case, and the disgusting amount of victim-blaming on the Internet, and the fight I had with my twin brother (the rape apologist) last week, and the replies I received to this tweet… I give you…

A post on men and sexual violence.

I looked at three numbers when I tweeted earlier. (I am using statistics from the U.K. only because of the recent study on false accusations. At the end of this post, I will also include some U.S. details with links).

One, the number of rapists who get away with it. (In the U.K., the conviction rate for reported rapes is only 5%, and the majority of rapes are not reported at all).

Two, the number of men who are rape victims. (In the U.K., 8% of reported rape victims are men, but one expert estimates 3 in 20 men have been raped).

Three, the number of men who are falsely accused of rape. (A recent study in the U.K. of a 17-month period shows only 38 prosecutions for false accusations of rape and 5,651 prosecutions for rape. In other words, .7% of rape allegations were false).

Based on the Internet and real-life interactions (so anecdata here), most men are primarily concerned with being falsely accused of rape.

Before I go any further, let me state this, in bold, so the people who are skimming this before they YELL AT ME LIKE THIS, will still read it. Falsely accusing a man of rape is absolutely despicable. Women (and men, and parents of children) should absolutely be prosecuted and punished for this crime. It makes me sick to my stomach to think of this happening. It is WRONG, period.

The problem with our society is not that we think lightly of false accusations—the problem is that we fear them to an illogical degree, to the point that we prioritize protecting men from false rape accusations over protecting women (and men) from actual rape.

When I started writing this, I asked Beau a question. I prefaced my question with an assurance of the seriousness of my question and my genuine desire to understand his answer, along with the caveat that he’s probably not representative of most men in their 20s.

Before we started dating, did you ever worry about being falsely accused of rape?

“No,” he replied. Why? He knows a “million” people who could attest to his character and integrity, who would stand up for him and swear he’s always respectful of women.

I commented that maybe it’s different for him, since he’s saving sex for marriage. He explained it was more than that because abstaining from sex doesn’t prevent women from falsely accusing you of rape. He noted that the men who seem most worried about being falsely accused of rape are the ones who already disrespect women and treat them badly.

Again, anecdata. We’re two people, not a scientific study.

But the most vocal men on the Interwebz crying about false rape accusations express their fears in one of several worrisome ways.

Women are liars and sluts: Whores just sleep around, and then when they regret it in the morning, they call rape so no one will know they’re eager little sluts.

Your dozen studies aren’t good enough: Feminists are crazy with this whole “1 in 5” bullshit number. How many rapes are reported to the police? I don’t see one in five women filing police reports. It’s just a bunch of lies feminists created so women think all men are rapists.

I reject your definition of rape: What, so now you can’t have sex with a woman if she’s been drinking? That’s rape now? I guess I’m a rapist then, and so are all my friends!

From the "Don't Be That Guy" campaign in Canada.

Which brings us back to the Steubenville case. Testimonyfrom other boys at the party revealed what feminists have been saying for years: we need to teach men not to rape. They already know not to jump out from the bushes and attack a woman with a knife. They do NOT know not to digitally penetrate a passed out teenage girl. They do NOT know that trying to force an unresponsive teenage girl to perform oral sex is attempted rape.

We need to talk about enthusiastic consent. Because here’s a little secret on how not to get falsely accused of rape: respect all women, and always obtain clear, enthusiastic consent before commencing any sexual activity.

For a longer list on how to avoid false rape accusations, from a fairly anti-feminist site, read this article here.

For more information on sexual assault statistics in the U.S., along with where to seek treatment or assistance, see the resources I have listed in my library.

Also this Wikipedia article, and this list of reports/studies from the Bureau of Justice Statistics, and this pdf from the U.S. Census.

You have read this article advice / Canada / consent / false rape accusations / feminism / rape / sexual assault / slut / stereotypes / Steubenville / twin brother / twitter / victim-blaming with the title victim-blaming. You can bookmark this page URL https://myclosetnadinesh.blogspot.com/2013/03/men-are-statistically-more-likely-to-be.html. Thanks!

Stand Up, Take Action: A Guest Post

Yesterday was International Women's Day, and March is Women's History Month (at least in the States). Women have come a long way in our quest for equality, and some might argue (incorrectly) that we're already there. As much progress as we've made, sexual violence against women, largely by men, is still a problem worldwide. American society has improved in taking rape seriously, but as a whole, we still dismiss sexual assault that falls short of rape. 

Every time I have opened up about my own sexual assaults, another friend confides in me about her own experiences. One of them has asked to share her story, on the condition of anonymity.

Just under two years ago, I was almost raped. I was 21, spending the summer in a foreign country. I was at a party with both Americans and foreigners. I was drunk, so I went upstairs to sleep it off. I’m not sure how long I was asleep, but the next thing I knew, I woke up with one of the Americans with on top of me, with his tongue shoved down my throat, his hands exploring my body. I was drunk and disoriented, but I managed to throw him off of me. I was so shocked that I just went back downstairs. I don’t (can’t) think about what may have happened had I not woken up at that exact moment. I didn’t say anything that night—though I did tell a few of my friends in confidence a few days later (they were sort of in disbelief; they didn’t know really how to think, or react). Not that I can blame them—I didn’t know how to react either. I didn’t report the incident because I didn’t want to start drama (how fucked up is that?) Perhaps what is even more fucked up is the could-have-been repercussions. What if I had been raped, and could not access Plan B (or the country’s equivalent?) I don’t even know if one can access it over the counter there! What if I hadn’t been able to access Plan B and I had gotten pregnant (well, I guess then it wouldn’t have been a legitimate rape, right Todd Akin)? What if I would not have been able to access an abortion? Thankfully, none of these things happened to me, but these are issues that women who are raped face. Every. Single. Day.

When I was 17, I was still a kissing-virgin.  I wanted my first kiss so badly. As a teenage girl you are taught that your worth is determined by your sex appeal (and seriously, what high school student has sex appeal--so disgusting). In addition, I had tons of body insecurities all throughout high school—I was very athletic and was frequently teased to the point of bullying about my “manliness” (and therefore lack of sex appeal). Anyway, as inexperienced as I was, I was desperate for any sort of action. The opportunity came along, and I found myself alone in a hot tub with a guy I had known since freshman year. It was sort of like a movie; we got closer and closer until our lips touched and our tongues intertwined. (And for the record, the kiss sucked—I have never experienced a more awkward, dispassionate form of affection). However, the next thing I knew, he had pulled me onto his lap, he was massaging my clitoris through my swimsuit, and he was feeling me up like I was some sort of stuffed doll. That was my first ever sexual encounter. I have never felt more violated (until I the incident abroad when I was 21), and though it happened six years ago, it still affects me.

I always knew I didn’t like what had happened between that guy and me in the hot tub when I was 17. What is even more sad is that I didn’t even know it was sexual assault until I took a Women’s Studies class my senior year of college (I will forever be grateful for that class). I thought I “deserved what I got” when I was 17. I had kissed him, so therefore I had led him on, so therefore he was allowed to do whatever he wanted to me (because society believes that men should not be held responsible for their sexual urges and actions). Because the kiss was consensual, he was therefore allowed to feel me up and fondle my vagina (again, you can’t hold men accountable). The clitoral stimulation, as badly as I didn’t want it happening, technically “turned me on.” Have you ever heard the question: “If a woman orgasms during rape (or sexual assault), then was it actually rape? She must have wanted it.” (In case you were wondering, I didn’t orgasm during this encounter, and the answer to that question is YES, women [and men] can, in fact, involuntarily orgasm during rape. It is STILL rape or sexual assault). Finally, I was wearing a bikini. You know that men cannot control their dicks (penises have their own brains) so, because I was dressed so “provocatively,” I was clearly “asking for it.” As for almost being raped when I was 21; well, let’s be honest: I was drunk, and therefore put myself in a vulnerable situation. If I didn’t want to be raped or sexually assaulted, I should have stayed home (because women belong in the home). I should not have been drinking (because bad things can happen to women who drink). Finally, I definitely should not have been wearing a dress in 100+ degree weather—I was clearly “asking for it” because I was dressed way too “provocatively.”

Now, you may think that all of these reasons I just listed are ridiculous—I agree with you. But unfortunately these are the arguments used against women. Every. Single. Day. This is called slut-shaming or victim-blaming, and it’s an aspect of rape culture. It’s nothing new. If a woman is raped, it’s “her fault” because of the way she was dressed, because she was drunk, because she was walking alone at night, because she danced with someone on the dance floor (she was clearly turning him on and asking for more). God forbid a man would be held responsible for his CHOICE to rape or sexually assault an innocent woman or girl. It sucks that, even after all of this time, I STILL question and doubt everything about myself, because society STILL blames me for the actions men. (Ever heard, “Well, she should have kept her legs closed,” or “She was such a slut because she wore a short skirt,” or “Well, she was asking to get raped in that outfit”).

Guess what readers: I can assure you that I was not, “asking for it.” I didn’t kiss the guy in the hot tub expecting him to violate my body. I didn’t go out in a foreign country with my friends with the intentions of being almost raped. I didn’t put on a swim suit and think, “What will a guy’s penis think if it sees me in this? Will penises be able to control themselves?”  No woman ASKS to be raped or sexually assaulted. Ever.

I never reported either one of my sexual assaults (the vast majority of rapes and sexual assaults go unreported, because many people don’t know much about it, or don’t know how to do it!) However, I shouldn’t have felt like I was “starting drama” or “gossiping” by reporting my sexual assaults or confiding in friends (and family) I thought I could trust. I didn’t deserve to have some of my friends take it light-heartedly; I didn’t deserve to have one of my parents tell me, “Well, that’s what guys do,” and I didn’t deserve condescending judgments from my counselor.  

Most of all, I didn’t deserve to be sexually assaulted. Not because I was drunk. Not because I was wearing a dress. Not because I was wearing a swimsuit. Not because I had voluntarily kissed a guy in a hot tub. No one EVER deserves to be raped or sexually assaulted. And it has taken me over five years to come to these realizations.  Because, “telling men they just can’t help themselves not only drives home the point that women’s sexuality is unnatural, but also sets up a disturbing dynamic in which women are expected to be responsible for men’s sexual behavior,” (Valenti 2009).

For five years, I have questioned my worth as a woman and as a person (though perhaps the two go hand-in-hand) because of these sexual assaults. For five years, I have had an extremely hard time committing to relationships. For five years, I have feared men. And that’s not fair, because most men are not rapists. In fact, only approximately 6% of men are rapists (which is shocking, because approximately 1 in 4 women are sexually assaulted in their lifetime.) This means that these men commit multiple rapes or assaults. And like 95% of rape and assault victims, I knew both of my “attackers.” Many people picture rape or sexual assault as something that happens to young, white, chaste, Christian girls who are brutally sodomized or gang-raped. However, sexual assault and rape is so much more common than that (one of feminists’ biggest accomplishments was establishing that spousal rape does in fact, exist).
   
Modern-day feminists strive to deconstruct and eliminate rape culture, as well as de-stigmatize rape and sexual assault. I have always been a feminist, but didn’t become active until my revelations. It’s pretty awful that feminism is now considered by many to be a “dirty word” (because it’s far from that). I hope that as I heal from these traumas, I can help other women and girls in my life. To achieve this, I educate myself more thoroughly on the subjects. I also research and tweet important, key articles. I will advocate that sexual assault & consent be taught in schools, and become a crucial aspect of comprehensive sex education. (As I stated before, it took me five years and a college-level Women’s Studies class to realize that I was sexually assaulted twice, and that what had happened to me was NOT my fault). Not that this is any excuse, but many people simply just do not know what constitutes rape, sexual assault, or consent. By adding this into school curriculum, I know that the number of sexual assaults will drastically drop.

Remember, 1 in 4 or 5 women is sexually assaulted in their lifetime. Think about that next time you are scrolling through your Facebook friends. The next time you hear someone promoting rape culture, speak up. The next time you hear someone call someone else a slut or a whore, tell them to choose another word, and educate them about what they know. If you see that your school district is teaching Abstinence Only Education, go to your school board.

Side note: “Abstinence-only education programs have received more than $1.3 billion in funding since 1996,” (Valenti 2009). The average teenager loses his or her virginity at 17; whether or not they are educated on birth control does not make a difference on when someone starts having sex. Young people (all people, really), “deserve accurate and comprehensive sex education not just because they are going to have sex, but because there is nothing wrong with having sex,” (Valenti 2009).

So, readers, I urge you to Stand Up, Take Action, and help to protect all the women (and men) in your life, so they don’t have to live with the stigma of sexual assault. Because as Americans, living in a country we where women are “supposed to” be seen as “naturally nonsexual and men as innately ravenously sexual sets up a dangerous model that allows for sexual violence. […] Sexuality should be—as Millar says—the presence of a “yes,” and not the absence of a “no,” (Valenti 2009).

Works Cited:

Valenti Jessica. (2009). Purity Myth: How America’s Obsession with Virginity Is Hurting Young Women. Berkley, CA, USA: Seal Press.

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My Boobs Have Nothing to Do with You

According to twitter, clearly the world’s authority on everything ever, today is Cleavage Appreciation Day. Obviously some women have gotten really into it, tweeting shots of their cleavage (or even just their bra-clad boobs), with the hashtag #CleavageAppreciationDay. Other women are pretty against it, and they’re calling out basically all women who show cleavage ever as 1) lacking self-respect 2) being desperate for attention and/or 3) acting slutty. Some men are all “Woo, boobs!” and some men are all, “How darest these harlots cause me to have sinful thoughts?”

This is a pretty clear example of a larger debate in American society. Hell, to an extent, it’s an example of a lifelong issue within Christianity. Women are either the Virgin or the Whore, and we are criticized heavily regardless of our choice.

But I’ve already discussed the prude/slut dichotomy. This post is about boobs, a companion piece of sorts to my previous rant on boob-shaming. If I write this correctly, I will somehow tie together my problem with the Church’s view on modesty, my support of female sexuality, rape culture, and body autonomy. All with pictures of my cleavage and pissed off indignation that some people have the audacity to think they know anything about me based on my aforementioned cleavage. 

Age 19, Delta Nu* Initiation Banquet. An outfit heavily criticized for showing "too much" cleavage.

I am not the first person to criticize “Modest is Hottest” and how the Church objectifies women under the guise of keeping men from sinful temptation. Nor will I be the last. Other people have said everything I feel already, with more eloquence. So for now, I’m just going to summarize my personal experiences and feelings on it.

The first time I ever really felt like an object… The first time I ever felt like my body was more important than my personality… The firstsecond time I ever felt ashamed of my breasts… The first time I ever felt like maybe sin was completely impossible to stop…

Was when I hit puberty later than most teenage girls, and developed large breasts that kept growing & growing…

And some “well-meaning” individuals… Some hypocritical individuals… My controlling twin brother…

All thought it was their place to criticize my dress for its lack of modesty and to point out how distracting my newly-large breasts were to teenage boys.

Just for the record, my personal style didn’t change all that much from when I was 14 to when I was 18. I started wearing ribbed tank tops when I was 15, a staple I still wear all summer long. I wore the same kinds of clothes with an A-cup as I did with a B-cup, and a C-cup, and a D-cup, and later on, a DD-cup, just in bigger sizes. My activities didn’t change—I still danced, and starred in community theatre, and outperformed most of my classmates academically, and attended church every week, and refused to drink or smoke, and read books all the time, and crushed on the same guy I’d liked since the 8^th grade.

I don’t know which teenage boys “stumbled in their walk” because I developed large breasts, but I can assure you, I received the same lack of attention from guys that I had always received. I continued to be everyone’s friend and no one’s romantic interest.

But thanks to all these so-called Christians, I felt objectified. Guess what. I felt that way because they were objectifying me.

But hey, at least the Church has its reasons for controlling anything sexual. The Church believes that premarital sex is a sin (I don’t), and obviously, many Christians are thus going to advocate against all things sexy.

What I don’t understand are the men and women who are happily engaging in premarital sexual activity but lambasting women as sluts. 

Age 21, at a bar during spring break. I had kissed a grand total of four men at this point, but... My boobs are bigger than yours. Does that make me a slut?

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

Haven’t we been over this? A woman who reveals more skin than you arbitrarily find appropriate is NOT A SLUT. In fact, a slut is not a real thing. A slut is a word we throw at women who have made choices we don’t like.

Age 22, at the debutante ball, in a floor-length gown. This would have been totally modest during some time periods--my ankles were covered! Hello, arbitrary standard of skin.

Hey, twitter, how would y’all feel if I started calling any and all of you who have had more than one sexual partner a bunch of SLUTS?

You’d be pissed off. I just arbitrarily decided on a standard that deviates from my choices, and I decided that standard equals SLUT.

By calling a woman a slut based on her clothes, you are doing two things. 1) You are equating clothing with sexual choices 2) You are saying women don’t have sexual choices.

So stop that.

Now.

Do I really need to spell out how this all contributes to rape culture? Yes? Fine, then. By holding women to a certain standard of dress and/or sexual freedom, you are saying that any woman who deviates from that standard is thus culpable for her rape.

Age 22, pre-gaming a night out in Paris. Guess what. I wore short-shorts, and sexy red heels, and a low-cut top, and make-up, and no one sexually assaulted me!

My last point is perhaps the most difficult to articulate, mainly because I see both sides of the issue.

On the one hand, the media constantly objectifies women and treats them as sexual beings just ready for a man to enjoy at his leisure. On this hand, girls and women constantly receive the message that to matter, they must be sexy. On this same hand, some women will dress in an intentionally provocative way because they equate self-worth with attention from men.

ON THE OTHER HAND. Not all women have been completely brainwashed by our culture’s obsession with sex. Some of us (MOI) love our bodies. Some of us (MOI) love our boobs. Some of us have enough self-confidenceto spare, and our self-confidence stems from our personalities, NOT our bodies. (Again, that would be MOI).

I love my body (when it’s healthy), at all sizes. I love my brains. I love my sense of humor. I love my passion for gender equality. I love my legs. I love my French-inspired fashion (I wear a lot of black, white, and gray). I love my boobs. I love my friends. I love how I’m (slowly) decorating my apartment. I love my job. I love my boyfriend.

When I’m getting dressed in the morning, I don’t have the single thought “How can I be sexually attractive to men?” but rather “How can this outfit reflect everything I love about my life?”

So I take offense at the implication that just because I’m rocking some hot cleavage, I lack self-respect.

I know this is hard to believe, but my boobs have nothing to do with you. My cleavage is not on display for you. Your opinion of my boobs is irrelevant. 

All right, readers. I want to hear from y'all. How do you feel about boobs and cleavage?

*Totally my fake sorority.

You have read this article advice / beauty / blog readers / BOOBS / cleavage / consent / feminism / France / friends / prude / rape / sexuality / slut / stereotypes / twin brother / victim-blaming with the title victim-blaming. You can bookmark this page URL https://myclosetnadinesh.blogspot.com/2013/01/my-boobs-have-nothing-to-do-with-you.html. Thanks!

Dressing Like a Slut

Don't you just hate it when women wear cute, figure-flattering outfits and then have the audacity to suggest men should treat them with respect?

I mean, hello! If a woman doesn't want men staring at her tits or grabbing her ass, then she should cover up! Amirite?!

If you're new to my blog, imagine those two comments written in your favorite sarcasm font. I've written about slut-shaming, sexual assault, and boob-shaming before, so I'm hardly about to act all high and mighty about what women wear.

Too bad the same can't be said for twitter.

Imagine my surprise last week when my twitter friend Michelle retweeted this.

I found it incredibly offensive, but I try and initially use logic when pointing that out, instead of immediately getting pissed. (Whoever the hell @dj_grimes13 is, he has since deleted all his replies to my tweets, so I can only show what I tweeted at him and Michelle).

Y'all. My clothes are slutty when a guy is trying to control my life and/or make me hate myself, or when a girl wishes she had my boobs. Seriously. 

I just want to apologize to Tina Fey, who is one of the funniest, smartest, sexiest women in TV and film. Despite twitter's overall obsession with all things Mean Girls, Tina's thesis apparently didn't sink in.

Like I said, I can only post my replies because @dj_grimes13 deleted all his tweets to me. Then he blocked me. Real mature, misogynist! And Michelle basically just told me I was overreacting. I guess she's never been sexually harassed on a regular basis or sexually assaulted within an environment of her sexual harassment being condoned by everyone? 

And I guess she doesn't want to see tweets about it because she then unfollowed me. After following me for about a year. So she's now my ex-twitter-friend. Except I still follow her because I still like most of her tweets. Just not the slut-shaming ones.

Anyway, go to the bottom and read your way up. Tweets are bottom to top, oldest to newest.

Rape culture is one of those feminist buzzwords that not everyone understands. From wikipedia:

Within feminism, rape culture is a concept used 

to describe a culture in which rape and sexual 

violence are common and in which prevalent 

attitudes, norms, practices, and media normalize, 

excuse, tolerate, or even condone rape.

I know it was "just" a joke, but when does a joke become a rape defense?

"You can't dress like a slut and want to be treated like a princess." 

"Respected ladies don't get raped." / "The act of the rapist is made easy because it would be easy to remove the half-cloth worn by the women." / Don't dress like a slut or a whore (or you might get sexually assaulted). / "When you see some of the 13 year old young ladies strutting their stuff as they walk through the mall there is only one word of description, Jail Bait."

Not so funny, is it.

When I point out slut-shaming and double standards and misogyny, it's not because I don't have a sense of humor. It's because I have seen firsthand how sexist "jokes" can cause irreparable harm to young women.

Young women like me.

In middle school and high school, I was surrounded by boys calling girls sluts, and everyone laughing. Not all girls were called sluts--only girls who had outgrown their training bras or who had done more than kiss their boyfriends.
 
So when a boy sexually assaulted me, and I didn't stop him, I thought it was my fault.

I thought if I told anyone, I would be called a slut.

I was sexually assaulted three more times as an adult, these times all in France.

I didn't tell anyone about any of this until last spring, when I finally blogged about it here, sobbing the entire time I wrote about it.
 
Because I was surrounded by people who thought women just lied about it for attention, I felt like I couldn't ever talk about it without being accused of lying.

Because I was surrounded by people who found it perfectly appropriate to judge me for having large breasts, I felt like I couldn't even talk about it without being blamed for enticing sexual assault with my choice of clothing.

So when you tell me that if I dress like a slut, I can't be treated like a princess, you're telling me that every time someone violated my body, it was my fault.

Fuck you.

You have read this article BOOBS / consent / feminism / France / rape / slut / victim-blaming with the title victim-blaming. You can bookmark this page URL https://myclosetnadinesh.blogspot.com/2013/01/dressing-like-slut.html. Thanks!